Understanding our value....

I was an English major in college. I read many poems and stories during that time. One poem I read never left my mind and I never forgot the truth of the poem. The poem is by W.H Auden: Funeral Blues

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone.
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling in the sky the message He is Dead,
Put crêpe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever, I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun.
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

I remember talking about this poem during class and how when people die our time does not stop so we can all mourn together. I liked the poem because of how true it is however this past year I felt that the world should stop and take a moment to mourn in the pain I experienced. I never lost anyone close to me. I lost a few great grandparents and my grandpa at a young age but never understood the mourning or the pain. This year my father called me to inform me that we lost a family member.  A night I will never forget and a pain that still lives with me.  We lost his sister to suicide.  Completely unexpected, never in a millions years would I have guessed she would make that decision.  A women who seemed so happy had masked her pain to the whole family.  A shock that to this day we don't understand.  I have never cried so hard over a death.  I had just spoke with her the week before.  She was an amazing women, supportive, open and just geniuine.  I can't help but to think of her and her how difficult that decision must have been.  Death never affected me, I never understood how painful a death could be until her.  Now when I hear of a death I'm greatly affected and I can't help to feel for that family.  Another blow a few days ago was when I found out a co-worker I worked with for four years committed suicide at the young age of 29.  It makes me think what is the world coming too?  How could these individuals not see that there is a light to the end of the tunnel. 

I understand depression we have all had that feeling.  I deal with anxiety and always have since a young girl.  With my anxiety I have had my bouts of depression.  I hate the feeling of thinking I can't live like this or I don't want to feel this way anymore.  Never in my wildest dream would I ever commit suicide or I hope I would never get to that point.  Before I knew more about suicide I was so angry with my aunt for leaving behind her two children and family.  I hurt because I always thought as suicide as such a selfish move.  Then I realize how much pain she must have been in to make that choice and what a hard decision it must have been.  I realize that when we are depressed that you don't think rationally and I know that my aunt wasn't selfish, she just wanted her pain to stop. 

When I think of her pain it's so difficult to imagine how she felt and it hurts that she had to experience such agony.  I always think of those last moments of her life and what she could have been thinking.  Was she crying? Was she at peace with her decision?  I think that with suicide you never close the wound that it leaves you with because you have so many questions.  I try my best to hope that she is at peace now and I think that she is looking over us.  I just wish that things would have ended differently.  I wish she would have realized how important she was.  Her funeral was huge, full of so many people who genuinly cared for her.  I wish she could have felt the love around her and how important she was.  My grandmother crys everyday and no mother should have to go through the pain of burying their child.

My wish for others who are depressed is that I hope they reach out and speak about their depression.  I hope that they have someone they can confide in and understand how serious the situation is.  I wish for them to understand their value.  We are all important and we all have a purpose on this earth.  Regardless of who you are there is a purpose for you being here.  You may lose sight of what purpose is from time to time but it will resurface.  Our life is like a roller coaster and we have to realize that we will have highs and lows and when we are in our lows we will always climb to the top.  I hope that others who are depressed regain their vision and realize just how important they are and how your decisions you make affect everyone around you.  I don't think my aunt realized her value or how much affect her decisions had on others.  She was truly a gem.  We move on without her but there is still not a day that goes by when I wish she could be here.

First blog...

I remember growing up thinking about my life and how I could seriously write a book on experiences. I truly felt that maybe others would think my life and experiences would be interesting. I remember one night proudly saying to one of my good friends I could seriously write a book about my life. He then broke my dream and said we can all write a book about our lives. Everyone has a story. I guess I never thought about how in life we all are authors of our own stories. We all have experiences and tribulations we go through. Some of our experience may be similar but we see and feel for the situation differently. As I grow older and experience more I feel I learn more and more about myself. This past year I have been through experiences I wish I didn't have too but they have help me grow as a person. I use to keep diaries but as an adult I left that behind. I thought about writing about experiences in the past but I never get around to it. Then I thought about creating a blog. A blog about random thoughts and experiences. I don't know if anyone will ever read this or takes interest in a strangers life but I think it would be interesting if they do. These post will not be in any type of order, this is just a place where I can clear my head of thoughts that I don't share with others. Thoughts that I wish to be heard but heard anonymously. If someone does take the time to read thank you for your time and I hope it doesn't feel wasted. This is officially my first blog.